Post by The 2008 RHT winner Phenomena on Nov 25, 2008 14:28:46 GMT -5
I will not insist that Hufflepuffs House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
Slipknot are a kickass band. However, recording them onto a Howler and sending them to head table, is not kickass.
I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students, especially if they're no good at poetry.
I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
Despite the fact that it almost drives me insane when I resist, I must not shout 'YUGIOH!' in class.Or ever.
I am not allowed to require all first years to refer to me as "the most high and honorable master of the universe" and bang a gong whenever I enter a room.
Mad Eye will not let me borrow his magical eye. He won't sell it or rent it out either, so don't even ask.
Putting a Snitch in Malfoy's pants really isn't all that funny. Even if it does make him scream like a girl.
Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.
I may not shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.
I will not scream "THIS ISN'T CATHOLIC SCHOOL!"
"Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang" is not an actual spell. Attempting to say it backwards is also not a spell. Teaching it to Peeves will get me a detention.
He Who Must Not Be Named does not refer to something in your pants.
No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
"Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.
I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.
Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith"/Yoda.
I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design."
Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.
Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
Getting my little brother to record his latest thrash masterpiece on a Howler so I can listen to it is a good idea in theory, but not in actuality.
I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be.
If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".
Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.
If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new Profs. are introduced.
No spitting in the Pensieve.
I will stop pestering Prof. Flitwick about ioun stones, Prismatic Spray, and any type of fireballs.
"Blast-ended skrewt" is not synonomous with crayfish/crawdad/mudbug/freshwater lobster, and I am not to suggest so to the House Elves when they have gumbo on the menu.
Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Deatheaters.
I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute
Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammer school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.
Prof. John Constantine (Defense Against the Dark Arts)
9. No matter how entertaining she thinks they are, I am not to teach Dilys Derwent's picture any more dirty jokes.
10. Or any of the other portraits for that matter.
11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
13. No complaining about drafty robes as rest of faculty completely unsympathetic.
14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.
19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.
23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
28. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' is an acceptable form of discipline. 'Peeves? I'd like you to do something for me' is not.
29. Avada Kedavra is not a bug zapper.
I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.
I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.
I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin man goo with Skele-Gro. It was not an honest mistake
I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.
While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet that makes reference to Belinda the Buttless
No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.
Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.
House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.
My wand does not vibrate.
I am also not allowed to contact Mr. Chick offer to give him the real low-down on witchcraft, demons and Hell, and then send him to a meeting of Death Eaters.Even if I think that Chick deserves it.
I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."
I must not start a "Vetinari for Minister of Magic" campaign.
I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.
I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
I am not to ask if Lord voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.
I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.
Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger
May not have a private army. Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.
Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.
Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.
I will not start a campaign to rid the world of mimes.
If the new DADA teacher gives his name as "Dr. John Smith" or simply "The Doctor", prepare for the worst including but not limited to alien invasion, time travel and a possible apocalypse.
Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects.
Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.
Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.
Madame Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share.
Also will not ask her to fly under the influence.
I will not teach Peeves the lyrics to "Henry the VIII I am".
I will not dare Peeve to sing "Henry the VIII I am" until verse 68. He will always do it.
I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
Especially not all of them at once.
It doesn't matter if he is going on vacation; I will not comment about how the Minister of Magic is "packing."
I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.
I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.
Especially not with kazoos.
The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.
'Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis.
Especially not with Mrs. Norris.
Not with Professor McGonnagall either.
I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.
I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.
Or the referee.
The house elves are not there to do my homework.
Neither are the ghosts.
I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.
I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.
I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.
Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle axes are not acceptable either.
Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.
Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is innapropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.
Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.
Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".
Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.
I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.
I am not allowed to say "Bless you" every time someone mentions Quidditch.
I vill not speak to Professor Snape vith a Transylvanian accent
The pitch during final match of the House Quiddich Cup is not the time or place to try your hand at skeet shooting
I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.
Cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.
Am not allowed to train my frog to attack Prefects and/or Professors.
Cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible."
Cannot replace the Quidditch brooms with pogo sticks.
"What-ho lawn ornament" is not a proper greeting for Professor Flitwick The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.
I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.
I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of arguement.
If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated
Ditto: Henry the VIII I am; This is a song that never ends; or One-sextillion mugs of butterbeer on the wall.
Or any folksong that starts out "innocent enough".
The name of the school is Hogwarts, not The Unseen University, The Vasty Hal of Death, or Alpha Complex.
I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".
I will not stack Professor Trelawny's tarot deck so that the first five cards are The Devil, The Tower, The Hanged Man, Judgement and Death.
I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawny's tarot deck.
I will not replace Professor Trelawny's tarot deck with the Thoth deck.
And especially not the Mage deck.
"Painted Streetwalkers" are not a type of bird, and the Care of Magical Creatures class does not have a field trip to study them
And you certainly won't get class credit for studying them yourself.
I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher
Michael Jackson is not a vampire, and I will not tell Muggle-borns that he is.
nor will he be studied as a part of the DADA curriculum.
I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.
The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.
Especially if he's wearing it.
Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.
The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.
Especially in reference to Professor Umbridge.
Not allowed to hire Aragog's children to spell out "Some Pig" in spiderweb over anyone's bed. Not even Pansy Parkinson.
I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.
It is not permissible to swing Professor Flitwick around by his feet and throw him out of the garden.
House-elves are not my own personal basketballs. Neither are first years.
I can have one rat familiar. Not two. Not a small army that I can train to tear things up. And Telling my rat familiar that "I hate everyone but you" is very likely to creep people out.
I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.
Surface-to-air missiles do not constitute 'fan support' in Quidditch matches
I will stop attempting to turn librarians into Orangutans. Especially if it works. It is also considered wrong to try bribing them with bananas.
I will not tell the Fat Lady to go on Weight Watchers or any other diet.
I will not ask Narcissa about Lucius' 'Snake' or his 'cane'.
Every time I see a dementor, I will not go, "Ssssssssshire...Bagginsssss" or "The Shire/Frodo is That Way!" Every time I see Dobby I will not say something about 'master' or 'Precioussssss'. Every time I see Dumbledore, I will not say, "You will not pass!"
I will not do impersonations during dueling club sessions involving the following lines:
-Hello, my name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
No matter how many house points he takes from Gryffindor, Snape does not deserve to be set up on a blind date with Trelawney. Or Umbridge. No one deserves that. No one.
Showing students photos of Snape in a Speedo is cruel, especially right before lessons on confronting a boggart.
Painting a bulls-eye on Harry Potter's back isn't funny. Nor is doing the same to the DADA teacher.
Teaching the kitchen elves to make real Texas Chili was fine, convincing them to serve the Slytherins 5 Alarm chili for every meal for a week was wrong locking all the bathrooms afterward was really evil.
Coating the Slytherin Quidich team's brooms with Astroglide was wrong. Funny, but wrong. So was coating them with Icy-Hot.
Hufflepuff is not a reference to sniffing glue.
I did not bite myself shaving.
I am not allowed to hold a pair of Remembrall in my hand and say "Cough, please".
No matter how many boys laugh. No matter how many dates I get.
'Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead' is not appropriate at a funeral.
I am allowed a cat, a rat, a frog or an owl, not a Swamp Dragon.
No picking wildflowers in the Forbidden Forest.
Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you f**king Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time. Except when he answers, "Yes" before catching on. Bonus points if he blushes.
It's Voldemort. Not Voldy, Moldyvort, Old Moldy Voldywart, Baldyvort, Fuglymort, He-Who-Is-Horrificly-Maimed, He-Who-Can-Not-Be-Tamed, Fernaando the Daaahk One, Rehab John or GwumpyWumpy McSnakelypants.
Slipknot are a kickass band. However, recording them onto a Howler and sending them to head table, is not kickass.
I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students, especially if they're no good at poetry.
I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
Despite the fact that it almost drives me insane when I resist, I must not shout 'YUGIOH!' in class.Or ever.
I am not allowed to require all first years to refer to me as "the most high and honorable master of the universe" and bang a gong whenever I enter a room.
Mad Eye will not let me borrow his magical eye. He won't sell it or rent it out either, so don't even ask.
Putting a Snitch in Malfoy's pants really isn't all that funny. Even if it does make him scream like a girl.
Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.
I may not shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.
I will not scream "THIS ISN'T CATHOLIC SCHOOL!"
"Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang" is not an actual spell. Attempting to say it backwards is also not a spell. Teaching it to Peeves will get me a detention.
He Who Must Not Be Named does not refer to something in your pants.
No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
"Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.
I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.
Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith"/Yoda.
I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design."
Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.
Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
Getting my little brother to record his latest thrash masterpiece on a Howler so I can listen to it is a good idea in theory, but not in actuality.
I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be.
If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".
Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.
If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new Profs. are introduced.
No spitting in the Pensieve.
I will stop pestering Prof. Flitwick about ioun stones, Prismatic Spray, and any type of fireballs.
"Blast-ended skrewt" is not synonomous with crayfish/crawdad/mudbug/freshwater lobster, and I am not to suggest so to the House Elves when they have gumbo on the menu.
Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Deatheaters.
I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute
Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammer school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.
Prof. John Constantine (Defense Against the Dark Arts)
9. No matter how entertaining she thinks they are, I am not to teach Dilys Derwent's picture any more dirty jokes.
10. Or any of the other portraits for that matter.
11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
13. No complaining about drafty robes as rest of faculty completely unsympathetic.
14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.
19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.
23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
28. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' is an acceptable form of discipline. 'Peeves? I'd like you to do something for me' is not.
29. Avada Kedavra is not a bug zapper.
I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.
I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.
I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin man goo with Skele-Gro. It was not an honest mistake
I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.
While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet that makes reference to Belinda the Buttless
No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.
Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.
House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.
My wand does not vibrate.
I am also not allowed to contact Mr. Chick offer to give him the real low-down on witchcraft, demons and Hell, and then send him to a meeting of Death Eaters.Even if I think that Chick deserves it.
I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."
I must not start a "Vetinari for Minister of Magic" campaign.
I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.
I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
I am not to ask if Lord voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.
I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.
Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger
May not have a private army. Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.
Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.
Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.
I will not start a campaign to rid the world of mimes.
If the new DADA teacher gives his name as "Dr. John Smith" or simply "The Doctor", prepare for the worst including but not limited to alien invasion, time travel and a possible apocalypse.
Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects.
Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.
Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.
Madame Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share.
Also will not ask her to fly under the influence.
I will not teach Peeves the lyrics to "Henry the VIII I am".
I will not dare Peeve to sing "Henry the VIII I am" until verse 68. He will always do it.
I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
Especially not all of them at once.
It doesn't matter if he is going on vacation; I will not comment about how the Minister of Magic is "packing."
I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.
I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.
Especially not with kazoos.
The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.
'Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis.
Especially not with Mrs. Norris.
Not with Professor McGonnagall either.
I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.
I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.
Or the referee.
The house elves are not there to do my homework.
Neither are the ghosts.
I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.
I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.
I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.
Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle axes are not acceptable either.
Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.
Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is innapropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.
Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.
Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".
Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.
I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.
I am not allowed to say "Bless you" every time someone mentions Quidditch.
I vill not speak to Professor Snape vith a Transylvanian accent
The pitch during final match of the House Quiddich Cup is not the time or place to try your hand at skeet shooting
I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.
Cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.
Am not allowed to train my frog to attack Prefects and/or Professors.
Cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible."
Cannot replace the Quidditch brooms with pogo sticks.
"What-ho lawn ornament" is not a proper greeting for Professor Flitwick The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.
I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.
I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of arguement.
If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated
Ditto: Henry the VIII I am; This is a song that never ends; or One-sextillion mugs of butterbeer on the wall.
Or any folksong that starts out "innocent enough".
The name of the school is Hogwarts, not The Unseen University, The Vasty Hal of Death, or Alpha Complex.
I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".
I will not stack Professor Trelawny's tarot deck so that the first five cards are The Devil, The Tower, The Hanged Man, Judgement and Death.
I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawny's tarot deck.
I will not replace Professor Trelawny's tarot deck with the Thoth deck.
And especially not the Mage deck.
"Painted Streetwalkers" are not a type of bird, and the Care of Magical Creatures class does not have a field trip to study them
And you certainly won't get class credit for studying them yourself.
I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher
Michael Jackson is not a vampire, and I will not tell Muggle-borns that he is.
nor will he be studied as a part of the DADA curriculum.
I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.
The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.
Especially if he's wearing it.
Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.
The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.
Especially in reference to Professor Umbridge.
Not allowed to hire Aragog's children to spell out "Some Pig" in spiderweb over anyone's bed. Not even Pansy Parkinson.
I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.
It is not permissible to swing Professor Flitwick around by his feet and throw him out of the garden.
House-elves are not my own personal basketballs. Neither are first years.
I can have one rat familiar. Not two. Not a small army that I can train to tear things up. And Telling my rat familiar that "I hate everyone but you" is very likely to creep people out.
I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.
Surface-to-air missiles do not constitute 'fan support' in Quidditch matches
I will stop attempting to turn librarians into Orangutans. Especially if it works. It is also considered wrong to try bribing them with bananas.
I will not tell the Fat Lady to go on Weight Watchers or any other diet.
I will not ask Narcissa about Lucius' 'Snake' or his 'cane'.
Every time I see a dementor, I will not go, "Ssssssssshire...Bagginsssss" or "The Shire/Frodo is That Way!" Every time I see Dobby I will not say something about 'master' or 'Precioussssss'. Every time I see Dumbledore, I will not say, "You will not pass!"
I will not do impersonations during dueling club sessions involving the following lines:
-Hello, my name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
No matter how many house points he takes from Gryffindor, Snape does not deserve to be set up on a blind date with Trelawney. Or Umbridge. No one deserves that. No one.
Showing students photos of Snape in a Speedo is cruel, especially right before lessons on confronting a boggart.
Painting a bulls-eye on Harry Potter's back isn't funny. Nor is doing the same to the DADA teacher.
Teaching the kitchen elves to make real Texas Chili was fine, convincing them to serve the Slytherins 5 Alarm chili for every meal for a week was wrong locking all the bathrooms afterward was really evil.
Coating the Slytherin Quidich team's brooms with Astroglide was wrong. Funny, but wrong. So was coating them with Icy-Hot.
Hufflepuff is not a reference to sniffing glue.
I did not bite myself shaving.
I am not allowed to hold a pair of Remembrall in my hand and say "Cough, please".
No matter how many boys laugh. No matter how many dates I get.
'Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead' is not appropriate at a funeral.
I am allowed a cat, a rat, a frog or an owl, not a Swamp Dragon.
No picking wildflowers in the Forbidden Forest.
Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you f**king Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time. Except when he answers, "Yes" before catching on. Bonus points if he blushes.
It's Voldemort. Not Voldy, Moldyvort, Old Moldy Voldywart, Baldyvort, Fuglymort, He-Who-Is-Horrificly-Maimed, He-Who-Can-Not-Be-Tamed, Fernaando the Daaahk One, Rehab John or GwumpyWumpy McSnakelypants.